bullet train...

that's life

fleeting

coming and going without pause

in an instance life as we know it can change

today, i am reminded of its fragility

this little life of mine

it will pass too soon, not hesitating for even my greatest dreams

what will i make of it

who will i become

what difference will me breathing have had on this world

no one else can determine it

i must decide...

let it be set apart.

let it be tears from laughter.

let it be of immeasurable love.

let it be servanthood.

let it be a glorious reflection of an eternal Kingdom.

let this be mine.

day in the life..

of katelyn ann spielman.

go to afternoon class.

take off jacket due to the hot hot heat.

come to a realization half-way through class.....

your "ladies" are only being supported by one strap.

look to left side,

find this:

no big, just your purple polka-dotted bra strap,

hanging out your sleeve,

for half the class period.

by.the.way.

you sit in the front row.

as you discreetly try to put the strap back inside your shirt,

your professor asks you a question.

a.day.in.the.life.

her sails.

 "she stood in the storm
&
when the wind did not blow her way
-- and it surely has not -- 
she adjusted her sails."

source

thanks be to the wise elizabeth edwards for uttering those words.

pin and cap...

grief...

 comes in slow waves.
 occasionally causing a stir to remind you it's still there.
you're not over it yet.
in the midst of grieving an identify lost, i can still find peace and miraculously do.

i.have.peace.

but goodness it's still salt in the wound to see pictures of what would've been.
 a hat. 
that's all it took to remind me, i'm still human, and therefore grieving naturally.

I know YOU are for me

it's getting harder.
everyday it grows more of a struggle.
to encounter those who've become aware of my precarious waiting.
to respond:
"it's forcing me to rely on the LORD's strength"
and it has. it has.
but it's oh so hard. i want this waiting to be done. over. fin. final.
whatever it may be. 
until then, this song is my comfort and reminder that no matter the result, 


you are for me


So faithful
So constant
So loving and so true
So powerful in all you do
You fill me
You see me
You know my every move
You love for me to sing to you

I know that you are for me
I know that you are for me
I know that you will never forsake me in my weakness
I know that you have come down
Even if to write upon my heart
To remind me who you are

So patient
So gracious
So merciful and true
So wonderful in all you do
You fill me
You see me
You know my every move
You love for me to sing to you

I know that you are for me
I know that you are for me
I know that you will never forsake me in my weakness
I know that you have come down
Even if to write upon my heart
To remind me that

I know that you are for me
I know that you are for me
I know that you will never forsake me in my weakness
I know that you have come down
Even if to write upon my heart
To remind me who you are


Kari Jobe's "You Are For Me"

my evil twin has arrived....

an evil plan was hatched.

on the toilet, over the weekend. let's all agree to agree that some of the best ideas are ponder in the shower and on the commode? mmkay? 


they.are.people.


so the plan started as a thought. "i hate using the toilet with other people," i pondered on the potty. when you live in a community such as a dorm, it's impossible to use your very own throne, unfortunately.


the thought led to a question: "how can i make sure no uses the toilet i wanna use????"


the question led to an idea: FAKE A BROKEN TOILET. 


so here's what happened 10 minutes ago. i finished watching courageous, and made a sign. see below!

she reads: "DO NOT USE! (pretty please) Proper authorities have been notified"


here's where this sign is brilliant. i purposely worded it, so i would not be lying. notice i did not say the toilet wasn't working, but instead, "do not use pretty please." then i made sure  to include the last part so the RA across the hall wouldn't call maintenance. 


to ensure i had the proper insurance that no one had used it, and ignored my sign, i did this:

i placed the door lock for the stall door on the toilet to see if anyone moves it. (it had already fallen off) i haven't reached the level of evil to vandalize property yet.


yay no sharing a toilet seat with other BOO-tays!:)


that.is.all.

giving of thanks

it's never a day too late to be thankful, right?

i'm reminded how thankful i am for the one thing in this world that makes life worth living, l.o.v.e.

the undeserved, immense love i receive from a gracious God,

the unconditional, constant love of my dear family,

and the encouraging and caring love of friends.

i've been stricken with how thankful we think we are.

 we including myself.

we give thanks for oh so important things.....

cars.

shampoo.

cell phones.

technology.

materials, materials, materials, MATERIALS.

fail to see this in modern society....take a look at what occupied most american's days today, SHOPPING.

some poor souls even started standing in line yesterday on THANKSGIVING for these possessions....

things you can't take with you.

we are so lonely, yet keep grabbing anything in sight that will push us further away from human interaction.

this makes me oh so sad......

the thing i'm most thankful for is that to which is not seen but felt.

that indescribable string of l.o.v.e that binds me to souls, faces, loved ones...not THINGS.

i pray that the good LORD will continue to give me wake up calls as to what life is worth living for.

"Life is a gorgeous, broken gift.

Six billion+ pieces waiting to be fixed.

Love letters that were never signed, sent to where we live."

 -Sleeping At Last

favorite things...

being home elicits comfort.
these past few weeks, i've been reminded what several of these comforting items are.

1. my parents garganteous bed, which happens to be temptingly comfy & soft 

i'm blogging from here as i type this now...

be jealous.

2. the below view from the mentioned bed from above

love waking up to the sun shining through the sheer curtains....even if it's at 11:15 in the a.m.

3. watching the Today Show in the a.m. before crawling into the big bed for a morning nap.

quite a lazy and wonderful morning routine i have...somewhere in the mix i partake in an unhealthy breakfast. 

yesterday it was waffle cone loaded, peanut butter streak ice cream, which promptly gave my increasingly lactose-intolerent tum tum an ache of a lifetime.  

no bueno..

inner child.

the sister and i had the privilege of watching our gorgy nieces 4 nights this past weekend.

Alyssa Nicole & Abygail Serenity Renne

are.

simply.

precious.

Aly is 10, and Aby is 7.

Aby, Lex (nephew), I, and Aly
2 years ago

recognition of the awesome responsibility i have as an aunt has been weighing heavy on my heart lately, and this weekend was the perfect opportunity to be intentional with the time i share with these girls while they are still girls..

i've experienced a different dynamic with most of my nieces and nephews due to our closeness in age, and for a time being, some have lived with us during their baby/toddler years. 

it's a bond that i don't share with my aunts and uncles, not because there is a lack of love, but a difference in circumstance.

rebecca, cody & i share such a comfortable relationship with them that evokes fighting like siblings and resembles a relationship of just that, siblings.

this on one hand is splendid because we love hard, as siblings do, but then again it's easy to fall in the routine of treating each other as nothing special.

SOO...

i recently read this on A CUP OF JO blog on how we should talk to little girls, and it left me heavy hearted to adapt this way of empowering little girls. 

this weekend i asked questions of the girls about their dreams and future.

what their favorites of miscellaneous items were.

read to them.

took them swimming.

let them help.

baked and cooked with them.

danced with them.

and watched in awe at the amazing sisterhood they share; protecting, uplifting and loving each other.

it also brought out the memories of pretend play which ensued laughter.

Aby my 7 year old niece at random moments would inform Rebecca & I that our feet (dangling off the couch) were suddenly snakes which she then tried to wrangle.

favorite conversation i overheard Aby having during her pretend play:

(while on the pretend phone)

"what, did you just pull in the driveway? get those snakes in here PRONTO, right away!"

whatta man, whatta man, whatta man....

what a mighty fine man,

yes he is (will be)

so I read this i.n.c.r.e.d.i.b.l.e. article yesterday, from Donald Miller's blog.

you can find it >>>>> h.e.r.e.

anyways it empowered me to seize control over my whiny little lack of a love life.

it called me out and encouraged me at the same time.

mooving on. i decided to make a list of qualities that must be present in a boy before i consider him hubster material.

i broke out the husband journal that i began when i was just a freshie at university and comprised my list to pray over and check twice before considering a relationship serious.

here it is:

*loves God whole-heartily 

*passionate 

*makes the world a better place

*listens to me & doesn't interrupt

*adventurous

*thinks about me a whole LOTTA...and lets me know

*challenges me to become a better human and christian

*LEADS

*loves to learn and teaches me new things

*protects me

*values my opinion

*shows me he misses me

*PRAYS

*is g.r.e.a.t. with strangers, elderly & kids

*actively pursues me

*seeks God's will

*prays for me

* makes me laugh

oookkk...now cutie McCute cute...let's get here.

when you start me up...

today after arriving to work, i struggled with the usually trivial task of turning off my car....

IT.WOULD.NOT.BUDGE.

hello Oakley Cian, i need to be on the 4th floor of that hospital in 10 short minutes...

she.did.not.care.

after 40 minutes of wiggling, jiggling, and 4 phone calls to my Pa, Jenny-Lou, and Heath (Jenny-Lou's hubs a.k.a. my mechanic)

i was left with no choice but to drive this stubborn car to the hometown.

i was planning on heading that way after work, but Oakley had other plans obviously.

oh joy.

set me FREE

sometimes BIG CITY living suits me. 

source

 -i get to meet Kenny at the bus stop

 -ride the city bus when Oakley Cian is out of commission

 -see diverse settings, scenes and characters occur on a daily basis

 -get dominos delivery

 -be close to KUMED

 -witness the bike transportation

 -admire old houses

but mostly feelings and cravings remain for this>>>

my hoyt.

my hometown.

my heart.

my home.

where the crime is considerably less, and the sense of community is much more.

where the loves of my life reside.

where life is simple and slower.

where the setting sun is the prettiest.

where folks are nicer.

where my childhood is kept.

i've always battled with the ideas of future living with my future family. living in the ghetto, in an old house that i can fix up or farm life? and i've always concluded i just want both. 

now i'm reminded which one i desire more though. 


and that's the life found in the freedom of the countryside.

where the preposterous HEAT actually has a purpose.

source

i miss backporch sittin'.

fishing at the pond behind my house.

the constant state of awe at the beauty of the wide open spaces.

homegrown food being the only thing on my plate.

watching our garden grow.

2 lanes instead of the freeway 6.

"you can have roots and wings"

truth.

but my roots sustain me, steady me and are deep.

i guess maybe i'll just satisfy this craving by cooking my homegrown, home-canned green beans tomorrow.

lighter note

fridays deserve to be funny fun fun.

so, i thought i share some classic, ridiculous moments of my life this week.

embarrassing moment numero uno:

our toilet threw a fit this week yet again. there was absolutely NOTHING blocking the drain, i'm certain. to be completely honest and real, amanda and i had not pooped in it to clog it.

BUT...

for some odd reason it was filling with water to the brim, and of course i was the only one here

SO

i decided that it was finally time to go purchase our very own, first plunger.

the toilet had pulled this same stunt a couple of weeks ago and we borrowed our neighbor across the hall's.

i had proudly walked out of the local grocery holding a toilet plunger solely in my hand. i even thought to myself, "at least i don't know any of these people."

THEN

i arrived back at the 1S, and to my horror found our new cutie putie neighbor Sean out on his balcony above our apartment!!!!

(insert theme music from the movie Psycho)

greatness.

i stayed in my car for 2 or 3 minutes rummaging through things, pretending to be on the hunt for a treasured, lost item.

with no avail, sean remained on his porch and i accepted my embarrassing doom.

out of the car, crossing the street, holding the plunger and of course sean waves and asks how i am.

i quickly respond, "er good, our toilet's being stupid."

word vomit.

i really wish my brain had a filter!

he chuckles..."oh yeah..that stinks!"

"yeah we haven't even went number 2 ( #2, am i toddler?) and it's acting clogged!"

vomitting all over at this point

"ohh sounds like you might have to call Manny!"

"oh yes, Manny our latin lover, handy man!"

thankfully he changed the subject to the mini garden he planted for us and we stayed on this, one of my favorite topics for quite a while.

embarrassing moment 2:

i just finished watering our one and only hanging flower plant, i bought last month, when i had an accident.

while trying to hang it back on the hook, it fell and went crashing down the steep hill in front of our place.

a.w.e.s.o.m.e

the dirt and flowers came completely out.

so when i'm in the process of picking it up, of course who's outside grilling!

"hey katelyn!"

"hey sean...how are you?"

c'est la vie

salt in the wound....

 my heart was broken today.

over, and over again.

i prepared myself mentally at 5:45 this morning after receiving my float pool assignment to the burn unit. "okay KATELYN...this is probably going to be gruesome." 

in all actuality, my eyes didn't have to witness the dressing changes of the most severe burns, but my whole being was overcome with sadness and heartbreak from one patient.

it wasn't this patient's wounds that were the worst of it for me.

when i was told that the patient in "such and such" room was 13, i was enthused. to some this may seem like i have no heart, but in fact it's due to MY HEART....a heart that's still a child itself and loves any interaction with little/younger humans.

i must admit at first i didn't catch on. 

"no one's in here right now, hmm..kinda weird, but i'm sure the parent's just went home for a bit,"

i thought upon first entering the room.

it was late morning before i heard why this 13 yr. old patient's cries and moans of pain during an excruciating wound debridement were not soothed by a loving voice by his/her side.

this 13 yr. old was abandoned in every since of the word.

without anyone.

in the hospital.

for over a week.

with no one loved ones to explain these grown up medical terms.

the parents were both in jail.

the grandmother refused to take of this 13 yr. old any further. 

as it was put in the chart,

"the grandmother states she no longer WANTS.."

today i remembered blessings.

my family.

my GOD.

my longing for adoption and foster care.

and my own brokenness.

how must this beautiful child feel?!?! no wants them???

  are you kidding me?!?!

are you crying yet?

i'm welling....

in fact today....it hit me a couple of times.

yes, this kid is rough around the edges, already curses like a sailor, and called me stupid b/c i couldn't play a game right, but i saw something else.

i saw the face of a human being.

a child.

an orphan.

an image of God.

my heart is still aching. i'm going to take the next twenty minutes to pray for this lost child of God solely.

if you're reading this.....please take the time to pray for this individual too.

i can't reveal anymore specifics due to patient confidentiality, BUT the beautiful thing is that the God you're praying to already knows this one's name.

pray for healing. emotionally and physically.

for an unconditional love shower.

for hope.

for encouragement.

for wisdom for those who will be placed in their life.

for the hospital staff.

most of all for THIS little one.